cartoon

The Shape Of Things To Come | A Starlog Archive Cartoon

Little known made-up fact-less truth: Roland Emmerich — the guy who directed almost-extinction-level event movies like Independence Day (1996), The Day After Tomorrow (2004), and city-levelling films like Godzilla (1998) — originally wanted to be a cartoonist.

Circa 1990-ish, Roland fedExxed a bunch of sci-fi cartoon ideas to Starlog Magazine. In New York.
6-to-8 weeks later, Roland’s cartoonist dreams were crushed after learning the Starlog editor (in New York!) rejected ALL his cartoon submissions.

Since then, let us assume Roland has a maddenning obsession to see New York burnt to the ground as we continually witness superimposed movie extras in Times Square paying the price for his vengeance.

Easter Eggs: the film/TV posters in the background will inspire now-failed cartoonist Roland Emmerich in his soon-to-be films — “War Of The Worlds” (1953) inspires “Independence Day (1996); “Godzilla: King Of The Monsters” (1954) inspires “Godzilla” (1998); “The Earth Day Special” (TV - 1990) inspires “The Day After Tomorrow” (2004).

Although this toon was not published and technically not a member of Starlog Magazine's Cartoon Archive, this never-before-seen toon was recently inked up based on a patently stupid gag idea (see rough at right) that's hid in a drawer since 2004 after respectfully turned down by Starlog’s almighty editor (possible reasons: it wasn’t funny; too close to 9/11; it wasn’t funny… take your pick).

Thankfully, I’m not the vengeful type… I just mope and eat compulsively.

Who Knew "Ayers Rock" Would Be So Difficult To Spell? | A Starlog Archive Cartoon

Due to unpopular demand - and because I got nuthin' better to do right now - here's yet another gag exhumed after a recent dumpster dive into the Starlog cartoon repository.

Originally published in 1999 - issue #265, pg.18

As Mr. Lucas was adding smears of discarded doggy-doo-doo all over the final print of The Phantom Menace, around late 1998 he announced the remainder of the Star Wars prequels would be filmed in Sydney.

Couple that with a feeble satire of Meryl Streep's haunting line from "A Cry In The Dark"* and you have yourself a published toon, my friend!

* Come to think of it, when drafting the idea out as a rough sketch, I clearly remember "hearing" Seinfeld's Elaine character parodying Streep in a god-awful attempt at an Australian accent: click here to watch.

Fun Trivia Bit

Because I was/am an atrocious speller, I submitted the rough idea to Sir David McDonnell, Esq. and, from his office 10,353 miles away, informed me I'd incorrectly spelt the words on the sign that now reads "AYERS ROCK" -- I phonetically spelt it as "AIRES ROCK".

For Anakin's Next Trick, He Will Turn Himself Into A Bat! BLAUGH! | A Starlog Archive Cartoon

While I'm in the mood of bothering everyone with tired old Phantom Menace cartoons…

… here's another from 1999 (Starlog magazine #267 pg.94) parodying one of the film's teaser posters featuring young asshat Anakin casting a shadow of Grumpy Darth Vader, with cues from Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992).

Watto's Gone Quackers | A Starlog Archive Cartoon

For me, Star Wars: The Phantom Menace was one of the all-time inspirational movies of 1999.

"Inspirational" in terms of how gut-wrenchingly BAD it was that I managed to conjure up so many gags in the aftermath of the film's 1st screening - for which I literally ran out of the theater to as soon as the end credits rolled up in the likely event I was to hurl - and get published in Starlog magazine.

This one, published in '99 - issue #268, pg.22 - pokes fun at Lucasfilm's ultimate bad movie from 1986, Howard, The Duck.

Psst! Guess What?

To this day, I've never been able to sit through the entire Howard movie - in all, I may have only seen 20 minutes total.

It's hard to believe, but... I do have my dignity.

Update (November 4, 2021):

I was recently labelled as "ignorant" in response to a cartoon I did years ago ridiculing Howard The Duck and its lousiness.

Ignorant, am I?!

Well… that may be true.

So, to further antagonize those fowl masses, I'm wearing a headdress made entirely of torn-out Howard The Duck comic covers.

The fact that there are "Howard, The Duck" movie defenders out there surprises me most of all!!

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Faux Exuberance At Work

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It’s Monday morning.

You arrive at work.

You have in your head a game plan to tackle ongoing job briefs, allocating time and resources to get 'em done.

You're all fired up & ready to go.

Now, go ahead and open your emails.

At the top of the messages list: "Please, Bort, could you do this thing you've already done, but now has to be done again because of some insignificant thing nobody cares about needs to be fixed? Thanks."

Well, that just ruined my morning mojo.

So my response was a parody of annoyance and pain, yet I had to create a portrait of faux exuberance...

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Kitty Caricature | From The Abandoned Projects Drawer

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As part of my mid-to-late-2009 personal deliberation, months after returning from a memorable 10-day expedition to the US (Nutley, NJ, to be exact) and brainstorming ways to make big wads of cash on the side in order to fly back there! I had nothing to sell, no savings, and let’s not forget the 2008/09 financial collapse (and keeping my job was up-in-the-air)… no chance of a sudden lottery win, I’m sure (although, I’d hoped. Boy, did I hope!). So, what am I to do?

Here’s just one loony idea I seriously thought I could master: iPhones were a new thing at that time - why not learn about app development, create an app, make money selling that app, and live high on the hog? Easy, I’m sure. Turns out… NO! IT’S NOT! YOU IDIOT!

I then turned to finding ways to monopolise skills I’d honed over the years… Starlog Magazine had folded (so, cash for my cartoons was out)… somehow, the idea of drawing people’s pets was floated by my fan/friend in NJ (to whom was a veterinary technician).

Long story short, the below painting was THE first Kitty Kature (yes, THAT was I called them)(patent [not]pending).

And here are a couple more. I signed these with my alternate pseudonym “furbawl”.

There are a few more, I’m sure, lurking away in a dusty hard drive somewhere in the closet. I remember drawing up dogs… anyways, I find ‘em, I’ll add them to this post

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Dr. FuzzyButt's Medical Minute : Cat Breath

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Got a fever? Persistent cough? Headache? Twitching Evil Eye? Hmmm… you should really give Dr. FuzzyButt a call. STAT!!!

Doodled this for the eldest sister of my official #1 fan/friend whom shared a pic of her visibly ill daughter with the family’s cat all snuggled up in there, either to (a) provide comfort, or (b) soak up the extra warmth radiating from the patient’s fever.

Dr. FuzzyButt’s Medical Minute : The Cat Breath Cure.